The Exorcist is widely regarded as the scariest film of all time, but did you know that it was based on a true story? And unlike other horror movies that are supposedly based on true stories, it seems to be remarkably faithful to the real life reports of what happened.
*Cough* Texas Chainsaw Massacre *Cough Cough*
The famous film was based on a novel by William Peter Blatty, who was inspired to write his magnum opus after reading an article in The Washington Post, recounting the real life exorcism of a local schoolboy. Blatty changed the gender of the child from male to female, presumably because he couldn't figure out how a boy would masturbate with a crucifix, but other than that his story feels more like a loose adaptation than an outright fictionalization. Honestly, a lot of the creepiest stuff was ripped from real life.
The real life boy remains unnamed, though he is most commonly referred to Roland Doe. He was raised by extremely Christian parents in Prince George's County Maryland, a suburb or Washington D.C. Doe was said to be extremely close to his aunt who was a self-described spiritualist that introduced the boy to Ouija boards and other stuff that his religious parents probably didn't care too much for. When his aunt died, Roland tried to use her Ouija board to talk to her spirit, and just like in the movie, that's when shit started to go down.
It's about to get real.
Roland was said to be plagued by a variety of unexplainable goings on following his dalliances with the dark arts. Religious images on the wall of his parents' house would shake in the boy's presence. Unexplained scratches appeared on Doe's body as if he had been attacked. Witnesses even reported seeing Doe's desk at school move on its own. After a few terrifying, godless instances, he boy's frightened parents soon turned to religion to cure their ailing son. This led to the first of many failed exorcisms performed on the boy.
Roland's condition worsened until it was, as doctors described it, "Pants-shittingly weird." Though accounts vary, people reported that he soon started doing shit that should have been far beyond the capabilities of a teenager who wasn't possessed by the Lord of Darkness. He was said to have strength that far exceeded what he should have been capable of, and he spoke perfect Latin, despite never having been educated in the language. He was also violent as hell, at one point using his super devil strength to rip himself free of his restraints during an early exorcism, then slash the priest with a bedspring.
He was also said to dress in suspicious red pajamas.
One night, the words "Saint Louis" were ominously scratched into Roland's stomach, so his parents decided to jump on the next train to Missouri. It was there that the family met Father William Bowdern, a Catholic priest who took up Doe's case. Bowdern performed a series of exorcisms on Doe over the course of two months [...]
This is fine! For the best. Totally. Okay. You can't even finish this sentence before the hit of ...
Mourn the death of the relationship and the future you planned together. Add alcohol. Repeat.
Okay, mourning over. Grab your freakum dress and f-me pumps (or your clothing preference equivalent) and celebrate your newfound singlehood. Add alcohol and friends. Repeat.
That bartender looks JUST like your ex ... if they were 10 years older, had face tattoos, and a nose job.
You two just didn't work out! You both just weren't compatible and in a place to be in a serious relationship right now. Time to move o--
The person formerly known as "I'm just not looking for anything serious right now" is all over social media with a new love interest only a week after your breakup? Did they cheat? Does this mean they cheated on their previous ex with you? So everything was just a lie then, huh! You are just THAT easy to get over. Cool cool cool.
Who is this new person? How do they already have so many photos together? How do they look so happy? What's so much better about this relationship than your relationship? THEY'RE MEETING THE PARENTS ALREADY?! THEY MUST BE OVERCOMPENSATING, RIGHT?!
Whatever. Maybe they cheated. Maybe they didn't. Who cares. Your life is better without 'em.
Your ex has a sixth sense for knowing when you have gotten over them. Their rebound relationship must have ended 'cause you got that "Hey, I'm sorry for how things ended. Coffee?"
If you say no, achieve ...
You finally did it!!! Now repeat with someone new.
Answer: Fingernails are designed to help you grab stuff!
Fingernails are kinda like the pubes of the hands: They're seemingly useless, you only really notice them when they're not trimmed properly, and they can be quite scratchy at times. Have you ever stopped to wonder what the fuck these things are good for?
Besides looking pretty.
The obvious answer seems to be that fingernails are just the remnants of our ancestor's claws, but actually that's not the case...well, not totally anyway. Though they share a lot in common, fingernails are more than just vestigial claws. They're more like claws that have been modified for our own personal needs. Mammals who have fingernails (mostly primates) are also the most likely to grip things. Whereas mammals with claws tend to dig around in the dirt and shit, like a bunch of morons, those of us with fingernails take the more sophisticated approach to life by climbing trees and using tools.
As badass as a couple of Sandslash claws would make me look to one of my enemies, it would make holding onto a broom a whole hell of a lot more difficult. Fingernails, however, not only facilitate in holding things, but also serve as tiny little shields for the tips of your fingers, which would be otherwise weathered by overuse. Without fingernails, the ends of our hands would probably look like a pencil that's been sharpened one too many times. Think about that next time you get nervous and chew on them!
Answer: Eyebrows protect your eyes and help with communication.
If I hadn't already used it in the last section, I'd be saying that eyebrows are the pubes of the face right now, because honestly that makes more sense. (Pro tip: If you're ever wondering if someone's carpet matches the drapes, eyebrow color will tell you everything you need to know.) Of all your body parts, eyebrows seem to be the most useless. Honestly, you only seem to notice that they exist when they're not there.
See: Whoopi Goldberg.
In reality, eyebrows are the unsung heroes of the face, serving a couple functions that you never knew about. The first is a physical function. Eyebrows are kinda like a built in rain gutters for your face, designed to keep moisture from dripping into your eyes. If it weren't for you eyebrows, you'd get WAY more sweat in your eyes everytime you ran and WAY more water in your eyes everytime it rained. Pretty cool for such a dumb body part, huh?
Cooler still is eyebrows other function: They aid us in communication. Take a look at these two beautiful drawings:
Can you believe I drew them myself?
Do you know which one is the angry one? Of course you do, and literally the only thing I changed is the eyebrows. A lot of human emotion is expressed through the face, and eyebrows make it easier to read what those emotions are. Think about how much easier it is to make out a raised eyebrow than it would be to rely solely on the subtle changes [...]
One of the great dilemmas of online life that no one really talks about is "risky links." By that I mean links that you are genuinely afraid of clicking because of where they might lead - someone tells you you should NEVER google 'degloving' and sends you a link...do you click it? Well, you're kinda morbidly curious at this point, so - even though you KNOW you'll regret it - you just HAVE to click that link to satisfy your curiosity.
But what if there was another option? What if there was someone who would click on the links FOR YOU and tell you how bad it is and whether you really need to see it or not? Who would tell you exactly what's in there using words so you don't have to have the horrifying image of a degloving accident burned into your mind forever?
That person exists: a redditor who goes by (appropriately enough) u/ClicksOnLinks.
Whenever you're browsing reddit, all you need to do is simply summon ClicksOnLinks in the comments of any thread by typing out their name - and like magic, they'll show up, click on the risky link, and tell you what it is. You can decide from there whether you want to click it too (hint: you usually don't wanna click it).
We were amazed to find this person out there, giving up their time (free of charge) to offer some of the least-glamorous services imaginable - and we wanted to find out the story behind this. Here's our interview with u/ClicksOnLinks (with a few samples of their works sprinkled throughout to give you a sense of their heroic efforts and sacrifices):
You're doing a pretty cool service for reddit that is very useful to people, but at the expense of having to view NSFW/NSFL content regularly. What made you want to volunteer your time to do this?
ClicksOnLinks: I started this project of mine when the industry in which I work had taken a downturn, I found myself having a lot of extra time on my hands and spent the vast majority of it on Reddit.
After encountering several comments containing links that folks had expressed a concern on clicking, I had taken it upon myself to find out what was on the other side and relayed that information to everyone afraid of clicking them. I am very desensitized, so I went for it, I figured I could put my superpower to good use.
After this scenario had played out multiple times I had the idea to make the account and started clicking on links for folks.
What's been the general reddit reaction to you? Do people thank you for your time and effort?
ClicksOnLinks: The reaction has been positive, a bit overwhelming at times, but very positive. At first I expected maybe a few people per week calling on my services, but I think it was after people started paging me to some of the more disturbing posts on subs like WTF and such that it really started to take off, I didn't do [...]