On Monday, in an attempt to play catch-up on the movies I missed while away at the Sundance Film Festival, I made the decision to buy a ticket to an afternoon screening of a movie called “I, Frankenstein.” I had not read any reviews of “I, Frankenstein,” but, yes, I was aware that those reviews weren’t particularly positive. Regardless, how bad could it be, right? Ha ha, right? (Right?)
While watching, I kept a running diary of my experience. Here’s how that went …
2:51 p.m.: Five other strangers have joined me in this theater to watch “I, Frankenstein.” To be fair, it’s a Monday afternoon. To more fair, I am in one of the most populated areas of one of the largest cities in the world.
2:51 p.m.: There’s a trailer for something called “Pompeii,” which I thought was “The Legend of Hercules,” a movie I had seen but barely remember. Kit Harrington from “Game of Thrones” is in “Pompeii,” and he appears to not subscribe at all to the whole “I don’t want to be typecast” idea.
2:55 p.m.: I had no idea that the next Liam Neeson movie, “Non-Stop,” was set on an airplane. As someone who is terrified of flying anyway, there is no way that I will ever see this movie. [Ed. Note: Sure]
3:07 p.m.: The “I, Frankenstein” title card is solid. See: so far, so good.
3:11 p.m.: This movie just zipped through the whole Frankenstein story in four minutes. Frankenstein’s monster is already burying Dr. Frankenstein.
3:12 p.m.: Frankenstein’s monster is now fighting the devil. Okay.
3:12 p.m.: Bird-humans have joined the fight.
3:13 p.m.: I think I made a mistake.
3:16 p.m.: The bird-humans are actually gargoyles and their leader has re-named Frankenstein’s monster “Adam.” Which is fine, because that’s much easier to write down than “Frankenstein’s monster.”
3:18 p.m.: Honestly, it’s like this movie is being made up as it goes with the cameras rolling. It feels like after every shot the director asked the crew, “Hey, what should we do next? Seriously, anything is fine. It doesn’t matter.”
3:20 p.m.: Adam has gotten himself a slick haircut and now he looks like Aaron Eckhart.
3:23 p.m.: Everyone in this movie has a look on their face that says, “Wow, Aaron Eckhart really did agree to be in this movie. Look at him, he’s right here in front of me. Unbelievable. I wonder if he will autograph my ‘The Dark Knight’ Blu-ray?”
3:22 p.m.: The movie has jumped forward to the present.
3:25 p.m.: I love that
Frankenstein’s monster Adam has just been hanging out all of this time. Like, I wonder what he thought of 1987? Did he like Starship?
3:25 p.m.: I just realized that Bill Nighy is in this movie and that makes me incredibly sad.
3:28 p.m.: Aaron Eckhart just said the line, “I am not human, nor gargoyle, nor demon,” with a straight face.
3:30 p.m.: There are three teenagers sitting across the theater from me involved in a loud conversation. It really is distracting, but I don’t want …read more
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